Broke Food Chronicles

Dear Akoma,

So I kinda pissed my girlfriend off by acting like a douche bag in front of her friends.  She's been giving me the ice queen treatment for days.  I put my foot in my mouth and told her I'd cook a romantic dinner for her this weekend.  Dude, I don't know how to cook AND I've only got $25 to pull this off.  I got butter, flour, water, whole white mushrooms, a box of linguine, and a bottle of this stuff:

I'm totally screwed.  Help!

---DoucheMan in Charleston, SC

Dear DoucheMan,

I've got the perfect dish to make for your girlfriend and you won't break the bank.

Ingredients

1/2 Box of linguine pasta 
1 Bag of ez peel large, deveined shrimp, shelled
2 Tablespoons of butter 
1 Carton or 2 cups of whole white mushrooms, chopped
1 Cup of water
3 Tablespoons of flour 
2 Tablespoons of butter
1 Teaspoon garlic, minced 
1 1/2 Teaspoon of Italian seasoning
2 Teaspoons garlic pepper
1 Cup of pasta water, reserved
1 1/2 teaspoon Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning, Original 



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Directions

1. Rinse and pat dry your shelled shrimp.  Coat the shrimp in 1 teaspoon of Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning and 1 teaspoon of garlic pepper seasoning.

2. Bring a large pot of water to a boil.  Add linguine and cook for 5 minutes.  The pasta should still be slightly stiff.  Drain, but reserve one cup of the water to use later.

3. Thoroughly rinse that pot and place back on the stove on a medium-low heat.  Add 2 tablespoons of butter and 1/2 teaspoon of Italian seasoning.  Add mushrooms and cook for 2 minutes or until browned.  Remove from the pot.

4. Place 3 tablespoons of flour into a bowl.  Briskly stir the flour while slowly adding water until you get to one full cup added.  Stir until completely mixed and all lumps are removed.  

5. Add 1 cup of pasta water, 2 tablespoons of butter, the flour/water mixture, and the mixed garlic to the pot.  Increase the temperature to medium-high and stir continuously. Make sure to get all lumps out.

6. Once the sauce thickens, add the shrimp, the remaining garlic pepper and Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning and let cook for 3 minutes.

7.  Turn the temperature down to medium-low and add mushrooms and linguine.  Cover the pot with a lid and let cook for 5 minutes.

I recommend going to Big Lots to get most of your ingredients.  You can get:

Tony Chachere's Creole Seasoning 3.25 oz ($1.50)
Jar of Minced Garlic ($1)
Garlic Pepper ($0.50)
Italian Seasoning ($0.50)
2 Candles ($2)

Your local grocery store, Food Lion, has shrimp on sale.  You can get a bag for $7.99.  Get the cheapest, prettiest flowers that you can find.  Or, buy one single rose to give to her.  It should cost no more than $5.

Set the table with lighted candles, your chilled wine, and her flower(s).  Use the best plates and silverware that you have and for goodness sakes behave as undouche-like as humanly possible.  Women tend to brag to their girlfriends about their boyfriends.  I'm sure she's mortified that you didn't live up to the greatness that her friends expected.

Oh, and LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS!

Smooches!